On My Own...

I don't want to deal with the thought that the year 2007 was a very bad year for me. I prefer thinking that the past year was a challenging year not only for me but for my whole family. The blessings I received this year was overshadowed by the hurts and pains I felt for months. The passing of my father created more pain, feeling of loss and uncertainties in life whether to finally give up or move on. Everything is surreal, I feel like giving up....I feel that life is treating me so unfairly...I feel like everything conspired to make me feel miserable and endure so much pain. It made me question the Higher Power, letting him know I don't deserve this for I constantly keeping my faith and abide his rules. But it's wrong, I know it's wrong...that is this is just one moment in my life where I questioned Him which I should'nt have done in the first place. I even dared to asked Him to take me instead of my father, for the pain is too much and I'd rather die than continue to taste the bitterness of pain. An hour before the year ends, I locked myself in our room and prayed the rosary amidst the sounds of firecrakers, cheering of people outside and loud music....tears kept rolling down my cheeks as I say the Hail Marys...a simple cry turned into sobbing tears as my fingers jump from one rosary bead into another...I never prayed this hard in my life...asking God to bless my father's soul and comfort him to His Kingdom and laid him to a peaceful rest. I also talked to my father, letting him know how I love him and told him all my regrets and assuring him that I will try to be more strong and independent now that he's gone. I also asked Him, the blessing of Forgiveness...forgiveness to the one person I loved the most...the one person I vowed to spend the rest of my life with....it's very hard to forget the cause of the pain...to move on...I still don't know how to move on....how to overcome everything I've lost in 2007. I'm just trying to hide this from everyone...every smile...every laughter...behind that is a lonely spirit...a lonely soul...I feel like part of me had died with my father...I feel like a lost soul wandering in space and doesn't know where to go, can't tell if I can see the light again...I come to realize that in times of great sorrow...no words or hugs can heal a wounded soul.
But the never ending support and love of those people who read this blog made me feel I'm still alive...there's still hope...For in every uttered prayers by people who keeps on lifting me up sends a special message from God that everything will be alright...that tears will stop...the pain will be gone...that I will no longer be a lost soul for I will see the light in due time...that love and forgiveness will grow within me...that I will be whole again...completed with God's love and miracles. This year I know God has a special plan for me...bearing this on my mind....hoping and praying this year is special and the year that was...was just a year I had to pass.

To God be the Glory!

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